Writing for Business and Pleasure
Copyright by Stephen Wilbers
www.wilbers.com

A disturbing trend is sweeping across America:  The apostrophe (’) is disappearing from American English.  At the same time, the number of apostrophobes – writers possessed of an exaggerated and illogical fear of apostrophes – is increasing at an alarming rate.

The result:  rampant apostrophomission.

Both apostrophobia and apostrophomission seem particularly evident among younger writers.

According to Orval (Buck), English professor at Winona State:  “The most dramatic change I’ve noticed in American English since I began teaching it is the deterioration in the use of the apostrophe.

“When I started [in 1966], it was just another punctuation mark – like, for the example, the comma – that was sometimes misused but generally respected.

“I began to notice about five years ago that my students today (18- to 22-year-old Americans, most of them) tend to misuse it a lot, frequently leaving it out altogether, sometimes using it rather randomly before ‘s’ in plurals.”

To emphasize how pervasive apostrophomission has become, Buck refers to the Country Kitchen in Winona that has “MENS” and “WOMENS” on its restroom doors. 

Lynn of Woodbury, Minnesota, reports receiving invitations that declare, “Your Invited.”

Her annoyed response:  “My What?”

To help prevent the apostrophe from vanishing forever from the English language, I offer this simple reminder:  Use the apostrophe to show omission, to make certain expressions plural, and to indicate possession.

Here are some simple guidelines for using the apostrophe correctly:

■With contractions and dates, use an apostrophe to indicate the omission of letters or numbers:  She didn’t, I’ll, and the class of ’67.

■Although the apostrophe is no longer required to form the plural of letters and numbers such as two Ph.D.s and the 1980s, use it when needed for clarity:  four I’s and p’s and q’s.

■With a singular noun, form the possessive by adding an apostrophe and an s.  Although style guides differ, a simple approach is to follow this rule no matter what the final letter:  Baez’s concert, Wilbers’s advice, and my boss’s writing, not Baez’ concert, Wilbers’ advice, and my boss’ writing. 

■With a plural noun ending in s, form the possessive by adding only an apostrophe:  three employees’ paychecks and two bosses’ recommendations, not three employee’s paychecks and two bosses’s recommendations.  Here’s a rule of thumb:  First make the noun plural or singular; then add the apostrophe. 

■Do not use an apostrophe simply to make a noun plural:  two mistakes, not two mistake’s.

■To indicate joint possession in a series, make only the last word possessive:  Sally and John’s report; to indicate individual possession, make each word possessive:  Sally’s and John’s reports.

■Although inanimate objects may take the possessive form – the company’s failure – a construction using of is sometimes preferable:  the failure of the company.

■In descriptive phrases, no apostrophe is needed:  sales record and news release, not sale’s record and news’ release.  In some cases, however, it is difficult to distinguish a descriptive phrase from a possessive phrase, as in teachers manual and driver’s license. 

(The Minnesota State Department of Public Safety is inconsistent on this point.  My renewal notice read driver’s license in one place and drivers license in another.  When I went to the office to have my picture taken, I saw a sign that read driver license, a phrase that hurts my ear.  My preference is driver’s license.)

As Buck points out, the apostrophe, like most punctuation, should be used as “a courtesy to the reader, for clarity and meaning.”

Unchecked apostrophomission could result in the demise of the English language as we know it.  I urge you:  If you or someone you know suffers from apostrophobia, seek counseling from a trained apostropholologist. 

Writing for Business and Pleasure
Copyright by Stephen Wilbers
www.wilbers.com

A researcher at the Fargo Institute of Expressive Disorders has found a genetic link for two ailments that debilitate millions of American business writers.

“It was the darnedest thing,” said Tobias Smollett, Senior Research Fellow at the Institute. “A colleague and I had just returned from a 12-hour shift of sandbagging. We were joking about a hand-painted sign we had seen down by the river. The sign read: ‘You saved our buildings basement. Thank you, volunteer’s!’”

That was when Smollett had a sudden inspiration: The ailments – apostrophobia and apostrophilia – might be caused by two separate genes.

“I had assumed that the two conditions were mutually exclusive, that people suffered from one ailment or the other, but not both. That assumption led me to search for a single source.

“I had theorized that in the ‘off’ position a particular gene might create a tendency for writers to omit apostrophes when indicating possession,” Smollett explained, “whereas in the ‘on’ position that same gene might lead writers to insert apostrophes unnecessarily when forming the plurals of nouns.

“But when I saw the sign by the river – with the missing apostrophe in our buildings basement and the unnecessary apostrophe in volunteer’s – I realized a second gene might be at work.”

After an intensive search, Smollett located both genes.

“This finding explains why in rare cases one individual, such as the person who painted that sign, can suffer from both maladies simultaneously,” he said.

According to Smollett, writers can overcome apostrophobia (an irrational fear of apostrophes) and apostrophilia (an irrational love of apostrophes), by following these simple rules:

■With a singular noun, form the possessive by adding an apostrophe and an s: not the writers first draft, but the writer’s first draft.

■With a plural noun ending in s, form the possessive by adding only the apostrophe: not three employees’s paychecks and two bosses’s recommendations, but three employees’ paychecks and two bosses’ recommendations.

(Here’s a helpful tip: To place the s and the apostrophe in the correct order, first make the noun plural or singular; then add the apostrophe.)

■With compound nouns, add ’s or s’ to the last element: not my mother’s-in-law cooking, but my mother-in-law’s cooking.

■To indicate joint possession, make only the last word in a series possessive: Sally and John’s report. To indicate individual possession, make each word in a series possessive: Sally’s and John’s reports.

■Although there are exceptions to this rule, indicate possession by inanimate objects with an of phrase: not our initiative’s success, but the success of our initiative.

■With contractions and dates, use an apostrophe to indicate the omission of letters or numbers: I’ll, didn’t, and the class of ’67.

■Although the apostrophe is no longer required to form the plural of letters and numbers such as 147 MBAs and the 1990s, use it when needed for clarity: three I’s and p’s and q’s.

■Do not use an apostrophe simply to make a noun plural: not two mistake’s, but two mistakes.

■Do not use an apostrophe with possessive pronouns: not it’s, her’s, their’s and who’s, but its, hers, theirs, and whose.

■Do not use an apostrophe in descriptive phrases: not sale’s record and news’ release, but sales record and news release. (In some cases, it is difficult to distinguish a descriptive phrase from a possessive phrase, as in teachers manual and driver’s license.)

“Apostrophobia and apostrophilia can be debilitating,” Smollett added, “but they are genetically determined tendencies – not predetermined behaviors. With training and practice, these tendencies can be overcome.”

When asked what writers afflicted with these ailments can do to avoid embarrassing themselves and undermining their credibility, Smollett offered this advice: “Learn the rules.”